Open Letter/Resume to Charlie Sheen

Dear Mr. Sheen,

I am writing you this letter today to officially “apply” for a position on your winning team. I too am a winner. We have so much in common; You're living with porn stars - I freakin’ watch them on the internet. You despise CBS – I think their station is for old white people. You played a soldier in a movie – I was a soldier. You were one of the 3 Musketeers – I love eating 3 Musketeers. Also, I have an irrational fear of the USSR overtaking American soil. You were in a movie about the Ruskies overtaking the US—WOLVERINES!

I believe that I would be a key asset to your team. Are you tired of feeling shitty that you had to turn down a piece of ass? Never have to say no to Tara Reid again. Two words: Stunt. Double. Yes I'm shorter, fatter, and much, much hairier, but let’s face it—these bitches be so lit they'll have no idea, and I'm sure after a few weeks of trying to keep up with your winning ways, I will have the body of an Adonis. You could ring a bell or just say “cock double” in to a walkie-talkie and I'd be glad to stand in for you.

The following is a list of my past winnings in an effort to show that I too will have your back like Emilio Estevez’s character in Men at Work, not like Emilio Estevez in real life. I have a brother, and I've always had his back throughout the years. It is part of what makes me a winner.

1979 - At 1 years old - grabbed my first boobie and my winning ways with the ladies had its start.

1987 - 8 years old - Little League Baseball Championship, I played third base unlike the character John Dorn in your 1989 film Major League, I always gutted out the ground balls and never took off a play.

1991 - 12 years old - my best friend Bobby bet me a pack of Topps baseball cards that I couldn't eat four McDonald Big Macs. Obviously that pack of cards was mine, and I'm still winning today because there was a Jeff Bagwell rookie card in that pack.

1994 - 15 years old - Freshman year of highschool, harkening back to 1979, I resumed my boobie touching ways. That’s what winners do.

1998 - Freshman year of college – I’m in college, DUH winner.

2000 - Dropped out of college. Winners don't have time for school when there is partying to do, so I began my career partying full time.

2002 - Still partying.

2004 - Joined the Army – What’s more baller than blowing shit up? You were in Platoon, so I'm sure it was a very similar experience, except I didn't have catering or stunt doubles or access to quality blow.

2007 - Back home alive - THAT IS WHAT WINNERS DO. Started bartending, only winners bartend, we have access to primo shit.

2008 - Back to college, winners never give up, divide and conquer, finished college awesomely, because I am a fuck'n motha-fuck'n winner, that’s why bitch, I mean... sir.

2008 - Got married, only one time. I know real winners have four marriages tops, but this winner picked a fucking winner. What now? I win, quit hating.

2011 - Wrote this bitching letter asking to join your posse. That’s what winners do.

I am also very good with children. I see myself kind of filling the role of Richard Pryor in the 1982 movie The Toy, with your family. At first I will suffer many indignities as your children's “toy,” but gradually they will be taught what it is like to have and to be a good friend. Those are life lessons taught by a winner for winners. A win - win all around.

Take me under your wing like you did Corey Haim in your 1986 film Lucas. Unlike that character, I know when to run with the ball. Hand me the ball Charlie. I will score our team a touchdown, because I sir, am in fact, a winner. That's what winners do.

Thank you for your consideration,
Jason K.