Public Toilet Shame

I was driving trucks delivering animals and pet supplies to pet stores throughout the mid-west while on break from college. At this low point in my life I had a steady diet of fast food, coffee, and nudie magazines bought at truck stops throughout Southern Illinois. I had been driving all night, eating the usual garbage and drowning it with a thermos full of coffee. The rumble started around 4am. At first it was off in the distance just a tiny purr. Not thinking much of it I continued down the highway listening to some AM station with a host that lived in a Winnebago way out in the desert. He had great conspiracy theorist on night after night that helped make my journeys entertaining and a lil bit spooky. Whoa Nelly, that purr turned in to a ROAR quickly. Zero hour was fast approaching. I needed to find a restroom STAT. My sphincter was doing all it could to hold those angry burritos at bay. She was "GIVEN IT ALL SHE'S GOT CAPT'N" but she wasn't going to last much longer. Those burritos meant business and they had brought back up. Pulling off the highway I found a Shell station. Quickly throwing the truck in to park, I jumped out of the cab, and burst into the bathroom to unleash those unruly burritos. Just missing the back of my pants by inches. Sweet mother of god I made it in time. It kept oozing out of me like a Play-dough Poop Factory. Once those angry burritos made it past the sphincter guard they decided to throw a party. Must have been posted on one of those unsecured Facebook invites because EVERYONE showed up to this fiesta. It was a triple flushed event. When I was done, I surveyed the scene, wiped the sweat from my brow, and went to clean myself. NOTHING. The bathroom was empty. No toilet paper ANYWHERE. It was a one stall dealie with a toilet and a urinal. I waddled out to use the hand towels near the sink. NOTHING there either. WHAT THE FUCK. I'm stranded in my own poo poo in the middle of nowhere. Now I'm getting mad. I took off my boots and tried using my socks, but it wasn't a clean wipe, there was just so much poo poo. I'm slowly getting more angry. I find some newspaper in the garbage can and try and use that. That didn't go very well, I ended up getting poo poo on my hand. This is the point ladies and gentlemen that I fucking lost it. I sacrificed my underwear to clean up the rest. Not happy I'd be finishing up this trip sans socks and underwear, I did what I'm now not very proud of, but will obviously share at a moments notice, I took that newspaper with the poo poo on it and wiped it on the wall then stuck it right in the middle of the bathroom mirror. Then I walked in to the shell gas station calmly bought a pack of smokes and told the cashier she might want to re-fill the toilet paper, got in my truck and hit the road. Never to be seen again.